Category Archives: Keith Richards

Small-Handed

donald-trump-small-hands1

The other day, a friend sent me a Trump bashing article by ABC News personality Lynn Sherr. Among the many epithets she threw at The Donald in her mostly incoherent piece was “small-handed.”  I thought that at my age, I had heard every put down, slur and insult imaginable. But this was new to me. I asked my friend what she thought Sherr meant; Sherr couldn’t seriously ridicule someone for having small hands. Besides who knew that Trump has small hands?  Who would even notice something like that on a tv screen?  Ok, I get the hair, but hand size? My friend didn’t answer.

So I figured this was just another person suffering from Compulsive Trump Obsession Disorder, of whom there are multitudes. Then I read someone use it again. I thought, with apologies to John McEnroe – You cannot be serious!  I also wondered how it is now acceptable for the politically correct to ridicule the hand-size challenged.

Then I realized what they really mean. Small-handed is a relatively wholesome euphemism for small penis, the ultimate insult you can level at a man. This is based on the belief that hand and or foot size correlates to dick size. I googled the claim and found that there is, as of yet, no scientific proof of a correlation. But more importantly, how could it be that liberals are now loudly emitting arguably sexist, if not “sizeist”  epithets?

Randy Newman was being ironic when he wrote the song “Short People,” but a number of short people were offended. I took the song to mean that bigots will always find some group of people to hate – even short people.  Speaking of that, short men are probably the most discriminated against group in the West. Lots of research shows that short men are less likely to be promoted in their jobs, more likely to earn lower salaries, and of course more likely to have stunted social lives compared to men of average and above average height. When shown pictures of popular famous men, most people believe the men are taller than they really are. The opposite is true of unpopular famous men. Almost all of those in the study believed that Churchill (5 foot 6) was taller than Hitler (5 foot 9). As a short, small handed guy, I have, I believe, every right to complain and demand reparations. I would, but I don’t like being laughed at.

A few years ago, rock star Keith Richards put out his autobiography. Throughout the book, Richards mercilessly insults and ridicules his long time collaborator, Mick Jagger. At one point, I began to think that his main purpose in publishing the book was to trash Jagger. That point was when he alleged that Jagger’s penis is, shall we say, less than impressive.

The book critics I read liked the book, but thought the penis reference was an almost fatal flaw. Other observers also thought that Richards went way too far. One of Jagger’s ex-wives felt compelled to publicly refute Richards’s claim; she didn’t mention any of the other insults. It seemed that Jagger’s organ would eclipse the rest of the fascinating story. I found myself using the now familiar test applied to fallen celebrities: Would Jagger’s dick be mentioned in the first sentence of Richards’s amazingly long delayed obituary? Richards knew he had made a big mistake; on his book tour, he went way out of his way to cite all of Mick Jagger’s talents and human qualities, whether real or fabricated.

So it is still unacceptable to publicly allege that a man is less than well endowed. As Chris Matthews likes to say in a different context, small-handed is a “dog whistle” that may or may not mean small penis. Liberals have established a new rule along with all the other rules they have inflicted on a suffering nation:  Small-handed is acceptable; small penis – not.

Quite clever, but spectacularly crude and hypocritical.

 

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