An American, Chicago Born

John Kass, the columnist sage of Chicago politics, on Obama’s true origins:

…[As] much as everyone would like to thwack Trump, he’s a victim of his own monstrous ignorance. He’s a New Yorker, not a Chicagoan. And everybody in Chicago already knew how Obama came to be.

Birth certificates? We don’t need no stinkin’ birth certificates.

We’ve got the Chronicles of Barack. And though I’ve had to read them to you in the past, it appears I’ll have to do it again. So gather round my friends — you, too, Donald Trump — and let’s fill our Hopium pipes and talk of how Obama truly came to be.

Some chroniclers say that as a child, he had to be tricky and devious, so that his enemies couldn’t catch him. And others tell of the magical weapons he was given by the South Side gods, including the magic dust to sprinkle on the foreheads of journalists, so as to cure them of skepticism.

But in the beginning, he was alone.

As an infant, the tiny Obama was placed in a reed basket, which floated gently down the Chicago River. The current carried him to the South Branch of the river, to the Kingdom of Bridgeport, where the women of the Daley clan found him bobbing against the far bank.

They took the babe and nurtured him. And Obama was made a royal prince. He grew tall and strong, confident that he would perform many miracles, such as providing health care at no additional cost.

Others say that he was not found in a reed basket, but that instead, Obama sprang fully formed from the forehead of convicted influence peddler Tony Rezko (right between those bushy, bushy eyebrows).

Either way, the Daleys so loved Obama that they dipped the child in the Kelly green waters of the Chicago River on St. Patrick’s Day, hoping to make him immortal The Chicago Way.

The dipping was done by Cook County Commissioner Johnny Daley, the least formidable of the Daley brothers. Johnny lowered the babe into the water, holding the kicking child by the ears. Those ears, never submerged, would forever be known as Obama’s spots of weakness.

Once Obama had been dipped into Chicago’s mystical river, he continued his journey. And that’s when he met another young hero by the name of Rahmulus.

Amazing hieroglyphs found hidden in a crawl space at the University of Chicago suggest that Obama and Rahmulus became as close as brothers. In one panel, Rahmulus and his adopted sibling Barack are depicted suckling the milk of a she-wolf to gain strength and cunning.

Eventually, they built empires together. Obama became president. Rahmulus became mayor of a great Midwestern city.

Yet before Obama could earn his seat in the Pantheon of Chicago Politics, the young prince was given a list of great labors to accomplish.

First he had to stomach the crazed sermons of the Rev. Jeremiah Wright and smile, and then pretend not to have listened to Wright for years. Later, he was compelled to seek the political blessing of terrorist William Ayers.

And then he challenged hundreds of signatures on the nominating petitions of state Sen. Alice Palmer, brutally knocking Palmer and others off the ballot in 1996 so he could run unopposed in the Democratic primary. [Don’t forget that both his primary and general election opponents’ divorce records were mysteriously leaked. My addition] And all this he did in the name of democracy and fairness and liberal idealism.

After he completed these tasks and many others, Obama was rewarded when Rezko became his personal real-estate fairy, and helped Obama get that dream house in Kenwood.

And then another wonder happened just the other day involving Trump and the birth certificate.

Mr. Celebrity Apprentice became so popular with the Obamanots that they stopped paying attention to other potential Republican candidates. Those other candidates may have ideas, but they certainly don’t have cool helicopters and their own reality TV show and hot girlfriends with accents.

After being conditioned with Pavlovian certainty to react to any mention of birth certificates, the Obamanots held Trump close.

They praised him. And as they applauded Trump, and as he held news conferences talking of how proud he was of himself, an amazing thing happened.

The other Republican candidates — the ones with actual ideas — suffocated for lack of oxygen.

Is it possible that this is what Obama wanted all along?

I mean, the guy isn’t really from Hawaii.

He’s from Chicago, where politics isn’t some fairy tale.

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